Fallen
by JuneEquinox
Summary: I wonder why I'm drawn to you? Fascinated and captivated by you? I wonder of how it could end up like this. But most of all, I wonder why I've fallen for you? Cassian/ Jizabel. Cassian's POV


**Fallen**

Rated: T

Genre: Romance/ Drama

Disclaimer: I do not and will not own Godchild.

Summary: I wonder why I'm drawn to you? Fascinated and captivated by you? I wonder of how it could end up like this. But most of all, I wonder why I've fallen for you? Cassian/ Jizabel. Cassian's POV

* * *

I have never given it any thought on how it could end like this.

It started out with that job. At first, it seems like any other underground job, I mean, a job that I recognized to be not entirely legal and a bit suspicious at the same time. But, other than that, it looks fine to me.

"_You will be assisting your superior in numerous situations that might appear a bit… grotesque for you, but, I'm sure you are prepared for that. That's why you signed up for this job, correct?"_

Well, I've already kept my guard up from the start, and I have already lived long enough and going through a lot enough to stand the guy's intimidation, so I just shrugged it off, I've accepted that job in the first place, so why bother backing down?

But, I've never expected fate to have taken its course at that time and drag me along with it unwillingly. Oh, and don't get me wrong, it wasn't the job, well, the job might have something to do with it, but it's not entirely it. Sure, it's big, supposedly big for someone like me, for I was hoping it can change my pathetic life forever, and it really did.

But, it's not just the job, it was that man. And me getting the job wasn't really the start of it, it was shortly after that.

I might not remember all of it, but at least I remember how things really started, at least I remember the time when I first met him.

XXX

It was etched in my mind, of how it really began.

I remember the damp weather, the freezing wind and the clear, but black sky with the full moon dangling above it. I remember because at that time, I was thinking about how perfect a weather could be for a man like me to be entering a place that looked more like a morgue, instead of an organization.

But I didn't care, that place surprisingly fits my expectations, and I know for sure that they know how to give me what I wanted, so I can give a damn about anything else, including the man that's supposed to be my superior, whom I'm going to meet soon. Dr. Jizabel Disraeli. The name sounded foreign to me.

I was accompanied by a man that seems to be more experienced, but in the same rank as myself, a minor arcana, that's what it's called for an assistant, no, a lowly servant in the organization and the man that I'm serving for must be one of the major arcana. I was spacing out the whole way as he led me through the hallway and into a narrow, darken corridor without any lighting but the small candles that are rarely hanging on the wall. And before I knew it, I was standing in front of a wooden door. He knocked several times, the sound echoing through the stone wall loudly, and then he turned the knob.

As soon as he opens the door, the awful stench of blood came pouring out and I couldn't help but swore under my breath and covered my nose. But the man didn't seem to get effected though, he just continue to walk in just as abruptly. And at that moment, I saw him for the first time.

I must admit, he was not what I expected. I expected to see an old and creepy guy that's fitted to be called a doctor in such a creepy place itself, but instead, in his place I got a young man that should be about 26 at the latest with features that I had to say, quite effeminate and elegant. Oh, not to forget his long, ash- blonde hair and rare amethyst eyes that are quite hypnotizing, it made me stare. I even almost missed the huge, dissected body that was lying on the operation table just beside him.

"What do we have here?" He caught me staring, so I quickly break eye contact with him, removing my hand from my face at the same time.

The other minor arcana approached him and started talking silently with him. I'm not really that interested, so I just stood near the door frame. After a while, the man walks to the door, waited for me to move aside and slammed the door shut behind me, leaving me and my new superior alone. I got a little frazzled at that time, I didn't know how to deal with the doctor that now gazing into me intently, almost curiously, and a job interview wasn't really what I do best. But I tried to stay calm and gaze at him back, he seemed amused.

"Do you have a name?"

"It's Cassian."

And things started went downhill after that.

XXX

I used to believe that I am an excellent judge of character.

Well, back when I was a child. I just know which one of my friends that is going to be a liar, a backstabber or a traitor, and I always right. That's what helped me the most to maintain a perfectly happy and healthy childhood and to get away from trouble, of course. I used to brag about it all the time, but, as I think about it now, how wrong could I've been back there? I'm not an expert at judging people, I'm not even good, I sucked. I sucked at how I think my shameless mother was actually a kind and caring mother, I sucked at how I see my greedy father was actually a dependable, hardworking father and I especially sucked at how I recognized my sister mocking smile as a warm and comforting one. Seeing how that misjudgment actually led me into getting myself sold to the circus, I've never really trusted my sense of judging anymore, so now I learned most of the things I've learned from experience.

But in his case, I just can't help it, he left a quite strong impression on me just from the first meeting. And from that moment on, I was positively sure that he was just another 'psychotic mad scientist with a twisted mind that seemed to be obsessed with his work', whom I only recognized as a superior that I will definitely overcome. Oh, I knew I can do it one day, it's probably be a bit difficult if he's in the major arcana, but he's still in the minor arcana (even though he ranked the highest) and it's a lot easier to reach. There will be a bit of a problem though, his father. Everyone knows that he owes his position to the fact that his stepfather is the cardmaster.

So, will the cardmaster holds me in the minor arcana, just for the sake of his spoiled stepson? Nah, I don't think so, I will rise to the major arcana, the organization's highest level and received the highest honor of all. After I obtained that position, it will be a lot easier for me to reach my original goal, having a grown up body as my own and then I will finally make my brilliant escape and lived a life of my own.

Yup, that sounds like a completely acceptable plan. At that time it **sounded **like a completely acceptable plan: using Jizabel as a stepping stone to fulfill my dreams. It seems almost funny if I think about it now, of how I didn't acknowledged him as anyone in the past. Well, back in those days, there are some times, there are moments when I felt there's more to him than meets the eye, but, as soon as I realized it, I completely bury it inside and forgot about it just as quickly.

That's all I've I ever think about him, well, at first, but still, that's all.

XXX

"_Can't we just got rid of them?"_

I glared at those doves, which are flying around him carelessly and, peacefully.

"_They're a nuisance, why are you still letting them in, anyway?"_

"_Well, for starter, I enjoy their company more than yours."  
_

"_Oh, I see. Now I'm a nuisance. Then why don't you find someone else to do this job, at least-"_

"_No, I don't mean it like that. I just enjoy their company more than yours or any other people."_

"_Or any other people? Why is that?"_

"_Because humans are dirty."_

And I could just stare at his unexpected answer.

That's what first occurred to me, unexpected, of how his love for animals and nature can be a total opposite of his hatred towards humans. It seems odd to me, I've never met anyone like him in my entire life and I just can't picture someone to be capable of having such behavior, because humans that I know are actually cared for others… Yeah, technically not, but they're always particularly care when the person beside them is holding a golden watch or a bloodied saw, and that's not the biggest different at all.

What divided him from all other person is that while people seem to be hungry, even greedy for life, he, for one, didn't seem to be living at all. I mean, he looks like he didn't need life, he despised it and that he could always throw it away anytime. Which unknowingly could send the chills to me sometimes, a person's death never bothered me before, so why is it different? That was what I always thought whenever I saved his life or when I scolded his 'childishness'.

Well, the man did say that humans are lower than animals, but a human always needs to learn how to love himself more… Wait. How can I forget? His love is totally reserved for the animals he cared so much about. And there I was, thinking that that part of him is almost human, (well it's better than just a hollow living body that keeps chopping up bodies just for the sake of his half- brother's eyes!) and it always seemed that it IS whenever I look at him petting those white doves I always tried to chase away, an angelic smile gracing his beautiful pale face. Somehow, I always get into a trance whenever I entered that atmosphere, it's almost disturbing, really.

So, I changed my opinion, it's not making him more human, it's making him more inhuman. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm working for the devil himself, or… maybe, an angel? I still didn't know at that time. But, now I know that, it was that side of him that drawn me the most.

XXX

I don't know when it began, but I started to keep my eyes more closely on him.

It's not just for the sake of the future career, but for the matter of heart. Not that kind of heart, no! Well at least, not yet. I just want, no, need to see his face every time, learning more from him, knowing him better, observing him from afar.

I remember the little tidbits that I obtained from the time when I was watching (stalking) him, like, how little of a portion of food he actually eaten just from staring at the plate for God knows how long…

"_You should eat more!"_ I used to yell at him.

"_Why?"_

"'_Cause you're so damn skinny the wind looks like it can blow you away anytime!" _

"_What I mean is, why should I listen to you when you are the one who should eat more?"_

"_D- Don't bring my height into this!!"_

We used to quarrel all the time during every dinner time, which I triumphantly won and so I can finally shoved the food down his throat. He struggled sometimes, but I still succeeded, even though it's still not worth enough to be called a proper meal if I think about it.

I know he avoided meat, so I tried to bring him something that's all green, but he's still as stubborn as always. One time when I asked him why, he suddenly started going on and on about food chain and all sort of stuff. I back down at that time.

I was just worried about his health, without enough food he would be sick for sure, considering the type of job we got ourselves into. Midnight strolls, grimy alleys, sick people, and I mean SICK, it only takes a matter of time before he got himself a problem, a feverish problem.

I myself tend him, well not exactly, all that I did was just staring at him, enjoying my glorious winning as I said: "Told you so."

He grumbled at that, and I couldn't help but to widen my grin and choked on my chuckle.

XXX

One day on a supposedly bright summer afternoon, an unexpected drizzle suddenly came pouring down from the sky. I didn't get too surprised, the summer was almost over, and it's been hot all the time, it was about time to rain. On the other hand, he seemed shocked, and maybe a bit panicking, I didn't know, he hid it so well.

I was just about to ask him what's wrong when he changed his clothes, his attire, his kimono, his magenta kimono that matched his eyes and suited his porcelain skin so well. I always wondered how he can got hold on such things so easily, I knew that he was a collector of Asian's 'art' but he got so many of them, including the kimonos (I didn't even knew what the heck was that thing called until he educated me about it) which were all beautiful and suited him too perfectly, it irritated me.

Well, not all irritated, not every time, it was actually a great view to look at but it made me uncomfortable every time he changed it in front of me, at first it was okay, but lately, it was… strange. I mean, he looked just like a girl in that thing, I feel like I'm watching a lady took off her clothes! It never bothered me before, so what, he was different? Like, he looked appealing to me or something??

… Ugh, I even can still picture it right now! And that shoulders… Damn!!

…Anyway, as sudden as I get into the trance, I realized that he was already gone. I only remembered that he said something like, "I'll be back in an hour." And so, I quickly dashed to the door.

'_What could possibly be done in an hour? What the hell is he planning to do?__'_

I couldn't help but to stalk him again, the issue that I've been trying to get rid off for the past few weeks, as my curiosity got the better of me. That time, I followed him down the main street, across the market and beside the coffee shop, the path that we used to take every time we want to look like normal people and in need of some good coffee.

I was still half wondering at that time, and when he came into a sudden stop, I froze at my spot and quickly ran to the nearest hide place. He bent down a little and started whispering lowly, I couldn't hear what he said, because of the heavy rain that had unnoticeably soaked me and himself to the bone. Which left me shivering madly and all that I could think of was that he finally cracked, but just as soon as I heard the sound of those kittens mewling, my senses got back to me.

He was always fond of those kittens, I don't know if he noticed or no, but I know he's been taking care of them almost every week. So that probably explains why he was too dumb and too careless to not be taking an umbrella or some sort in a heavy rain such as this one, well it's not raining this heavy when we left, but still, he was in such a hurry to remember what he was supposed to bring in the first place. And so do I.

I was still watching as he covered them with his handkerchief gently, and when I thought he was going to take them home, he left, without even noticing me as the rain slowly becoming more blinding. At that moment, I couldn't help but think of how strange a man like him to abandon those kittens in such a devastating rain like that one. So, I never thought I would do it, but I scooped them up, and quickly ran through the rain as I carry them home safely in my arms.

At first, I placed them in my room. He didn't look like he wanted those kittens around so I kept them a secret. _'After the rain stop in the next day, I will carry them back before he knows it.' _That's what I thought. So I just left them to their business as I slept soundlessly without even considering when or how I got influenced by him so much that I actually cared for those kittens when I shouldn't and couldn't be in the first place.

The next morning, the rain has stopped, and I was still half dozing as I realized that the kittens have gone missing. I panicked. I was just afraid that they would accidentally wander off and found by the other arcana, which would mean death for sure, but I know I was most afraid of seeing his face as he saw them gone. So I tried my best to look for them, leaving my room a total mess as I finished. A moment later, I noticed that the door of my room was cracked open a bit, which could only mean one thing: spies or kittens. I did have a casualty to leave the door unlocked, in case of a midnight task from him, but I always closed it, and it seemed that I forgot to, for I was exhausted from just- the- day- before' s activity.

So as the realization of my stupidity started to sink in, I make my way out of my room, glancing around to find any sign of the lost kittens. When I can't seem to find anything, I started walking down the path of the corridor, and came across his room, opened wide for me to peek in. And there he was, sitting on his white covered bed with the kittens sleeping on his lap, purring lightly.

1, 2, 3… I tried to count them and concluded that the four kittens were just fine and contented as they can ever be. He was really approachable to animals, and did have a certain charm that I will never understand, but, seeing him like that, it felt so very same with when he was with the doves: so gentle, so beautiful and so radiant, it made me warm inside, it made me wanted to join those animals, to be beside the real him. But I can't, well, not right that instant,because then I would spoiled the moment, and made him wore that tiring persona again. So I took a step back, closing the door unnoticeably as I went back, with the lingering warmth inside me still.

When the afternoon came, while I was lying on my dirty old bed, listening to the thundering rain outside, I suddenly felt the need to check up on him, for he was still haven't called upon me yet that day. He always called me in the morning, whether it was to do something dangerously important or something ridiculously unimportant, he called. So the day's events just made me… uncomfortable. Better yet, it made me sure something was wrong as I gazed at the bloodied footprint on the stone floor outside my room.

It made my blood ran cold. All I could think of was who's the donor of this blood? It was not enough to kill a man, but it was still disturbing. And much more worrying as I realized that it was coming from his room. _Did someone have just hurt him and walked away just like that? Or worse, did he has just decided to hurt himself and walked around until his own blood ran out? _ Those bad thoughts kept running in my head at that moment, and I simply couldn't help myself as I practically broke down the door that led to his room.

What I see left me speechless. He was sitting on the floor, knees brought up to his chest, face looking bored and hollow at the same time, one hand placed on his knees for his head to rested upon while the other hand was just playing with what were left of the kittens.

I almost gagged at the scent, it was just too much, too much blood that has spilled, too much insides that have lied and too much insanity that has taken place. It was too much to handle. Suddenly, a lightning came down, and I gasped in surprise as he spoke: _"Get out."_

His voice sounded strange and foreign, cold and raspy, but it somehow reminded me of when we first met.

"_W-"_I had trouble finding my own voice after hearing his, and when I got it, it came out broken. _"What happened?"_

"_I killed them."_

I just couldn't believe that. _"Why?"_

It took a moment before he answered, "_Because they were noisy." _And his face was still void of emotion.

At that moment, I realized something, there was something different in the air. There was a presence, a sign of a presence that has to be there just moments ago, the one that caused all of that. And my eyes widen as I felt something clicked in my mind, it was him. It was that man. The man that has always something to do with anything, anything bad. It was him. It was Alexis.

It was his bored father came to play.

XXX

Count Alexis Hargreaves.

The cardmaster of the prestigious yet hideous Delilah organization, the former ruler of the great Hargreaves lineage, the current 'father' of Cain C. Hargreaves and 'owner' of his own stepson, Jizabel Disraeli. Or, also known as, 'the biggest nasty bastard whom I've ever known to walk on earth' of a father.

I always knew from the start that there was something odd between their 'father- son' relationships, just from the way the sound of whip lashes suddenly came ringing in the middle of the night from the room next to mine, from the way I was prohibited to get near the Cardmaster chamber when we returned from a mission unwell done, or probably from the time when his 'step' son suddenly collapsed on the wrong bed with 'your room was 5 more inches closer from the cardmaster' room than mine' as a permission?

I knew it. The cardmaster abused his son, physically, and emotionally. I ignored it at first, of course, thought of it as 'the way upperclassmen taught their heir' or something. But I absolutely not going to ignore it now, or then. Then when I first felt a pang of guilt of how I used to ignore him like that, then when I first found him from his abusive 'father's' room, back bloodied and broken as usual, then when I first saw his scars.

It was unintentional, not the other way around. I was just waiting for him in his room in the middle of the night, for no reason at all, like I knew that there was something that was about to happen. It was already past midnight and we didn't have any job that day, and I knew right away what he was doing so late.I told myself to quickly get out, before he comes back and leave him to his business. But I can't. I can't move. Something was chaining me down to that place, but I was calm, as if I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. And when it finally happen, it felt like all the chains have been removed and instead, I felt restrained by a new presence altogether, his, just as soon as he saw me in his room, standing just beside his desk. He was looking just like usual, all neat and tidy, except his waist long hair that he let loose freely behind his back, but he looked somehow puzzled, his skin was looking even more paler than usual, he was surely didn't expect my company that night.

"_What are you doing here?"_

"_Waiting for you."_

"_There is no need."_

"_Really? It sure doesn't appear so."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Those wounds on your back__, they__ will only get worse if you keep standing like that, wouldn't they? Let me help you with that."_

"…_No. Go away."_

He was always so strict when it comes to his personal space, really, so of course he refused my offer that night. Which only made me came back for more, I can be really stubborn sometimes and I won't stop until he stopped turning down my efforts, which he did, eventually. And I knew at that time, when he first let me disrupted his privacy, I can't stop marveling at the fairness of his soft skin that was unlike any other males or females I have ever known, which sent me a tingling sensation whenever I touched him. But, deep down, there's still some regret that I felt from letting it got soiled by the hands of his own beloved father, by the way the cardmaster showed his fatherly 'affection' through tortures of whippings. Yes, that's right, those whip marks. The ones that I memorized oh so well that I knew which one was new and when the old ones healed. I also knew that he was not beaten every night, I knew, it was only when he 'mistreated' his half- brother, Cain. But still, it made me sick. Of how the cardmaster divided his children and favored just one of them, and it was not the one I cared for.

Cared. Yes, I cared for the boy. I admit that I cared for him from the moment I first saved his life. But it was a different type of care when I was washing the pain away from his bare back, right after the night in his father's chamber.

"_Does it hurt?"_

"_...No."_

He shivered under my hands, like they're the coldest thing in the world and he jolted, whenever I feel his hair, whenever I combed the silken strings with my hands.

"_Do you mind?"_

"_...No."_

Then, when he drifted off to unconsciousness as soon as I finished treating him, when his back was pressed against my chest, his head lying on my shoulder, my hand caressed him in a soothing manner as I tried to whisper words in his ears.

"_Jizabel..."_

I hate to say it, but at times like that I feel most relaxed in such a long time, that I can't remember any person that could give me such blessings.

"_I- I..."_

I didn't get the chance to understand it in the past, and now I have come to the conclusion and the only reason I could think of as to what I felt when I'm with him, and that is...

"_I will protect you."_

That I was just wanted to stay beside the first and only person I have ever truly cared for.

XXX

I started to dream about him.

And it was almost every night, right after the third or fourth time I treated the wounds on his back. It was surely strange at first, but then I somehow get used to it, to those dreams, where there are realms with only two people consisted, me and him. In those realms, the setting was always different, and always with no story at all, only me and him talking lightly, or simply just existing normally for a while. Sometimes, I felt like having a deja vu, like I already have that dream, or that it looks like a continuation of a dream just yesterday, and I didn't mind, I just felt relieved that I still can watch those recordings before it ran out of films.

But, after a while, those blissful dreams finally got soiled, by a presence of another man. He, the one I loathed the most at that time, the one that even topped the cardmaster in my wanted list, the one that dare to take him away even in the real world. He was just too disgusting, even for me, that I can't stand him always appearing and slowly replacing that one person's place in my own fantasy, so, on one night, I suddenly woke up and decided to stay awake until dawn just to escape from my 'nightmare'. And that's the time when I heard him knocking on my door.

There couldn't be anyone else that would call me on that time of night, so I quickly knew it was him and opened the door. As soon as I saw the look on his face, I positively sure what situation he was in and what the exact thing he needs at the time: companion.

"..."

"..."

"...Cas-..."

"What is it? Do you need something?"

"N- no. Not really. It's just..."

I looked at his hand and got a glimpse of some angry purple bruises on his slim wrist, accompanying the ones on his neck.

'It's him again...' I knew right away who has caused it but remain silent.

"There was... something I want to talk about..."

"... Okay. Let's talk outside." Even though I feel like I could explode anytime soon. "I need some fresh air."

It didn't really unusual for him to come to my place at those time of night, as a matter of fact, he tends to make midnight visits. I didn't get it when he first came to my room, probably about... a month after I first join Delilah. When he suddenly appear in front of my room, and started making some unusual conversations about somethings we don't really talk about, I just can't seemed to get into his head.

"_That waitress in that tea shop, don't you think she's cute?"_

"_Umm__... I don't know, kinda, I guess..."_

"_Why are you blushing, Cassian? Do you like her? I could set you up with her, you know."_

"_What! No. I- I mean... What are you saying?!"_

But when I finally understand some secrets about him that he won't tell himself, like about his 'father', the whippings, those nightmares, it gets hard not to find him at my door instead. So I can't really blame him if he wants someone to spend the night with, it didn't bother me that much either. What bother me is that he never let it all out, he never let his true emotions to show, he didn't come to me to cry, he just need someone or something to distract him. And it bothers me. A lot.

"_... __About the Cardmaster, did he..."_

"_He's out of town. Have you been out of London, Cassian? I mean, I know you came from the countryside, but have you went to other countries? France, perhaps?"_

Especially when he got that maniac tailing him around. He can just ran into my arms and cry his eyes out, I wouldn't mind. But he didn't, he wouldn't. He's so stubborn and strong, but fragile at the same time, and that's why I... I...

"Is it about Head Pri-... Is it about Cassandra?"

"What?"

"... Never mind. What do you want to talk about? We still got four hours to go."

"..."

"..."

"...I..."

"What? You what, Jizabel?"

"...I don't know, Cassian..."

Sometimes he talks, sometimes he doesn't and when he didn't, it usually bad. Something bad has happen. Something worse than usual. Something even worse than usual that it silenced him. I already acknowledged it and experienced with it but never in the right place to push him to talk. That's why I leave him be, until sun came up. We didn't have any conversation, I didn't try to start any, we just stood there, on the veranda, watching the sky, enjoying each other presence. Well, at least I did, I never leave his side, because it's safer that way, and more comfortable for me, either. Only after sunrise, he walked away and return to his chamber, whispering a soft 'I need to go now' and then he left.

While I just watched his back, disappearing into the shadows, wondering what did he do to deserve those treatment. He didn't deserve it and his father nor that man didn't have the right to do it to him. He was just too pure, too soft for his own good.

And sometimes, sometimes I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand how vulnerable he looked to the world around him, I couldn't stand how he clings to his 'father' for survival and I simply couldn't stand how he dirtied himself because of it.

I have warned him. I have warned him all those times. I have warned him up to that last time. Up to the moment of my death.

"_... If you even have a tiny bit of hope within you... You should... Escape from "that" organization." _

My whole body was screaming in pain, my eyes were having troubles to focus, but when I see his worried face in front of mine, I know I can't waste the last chance I've been given to talk to him.

"_If you don't escape from your father's clutches one day he'll kill you like a dog! I know it... " _

I wanted to scold him, I really do. I wanted to scream at him as loud as I can so that he finally understand. But no, I can't. Not because my body wouldn't let me, that alone couldn't stop me, but because... I can't get myself to be harsh around him anymore, not since I...

"_Your wings that were once so beautiful... Are now so soiled with insanity that they can't be washed off... Run away... While you... Still can... "_

"_... You're wrong... It's... Not that I can't escape from my father! I... Don't want to escape!! I am in the palm of his hand... And imprisoned within an endless ring. No matter what he does to me... Every part of my body and soul belongs to him! That's the way I've been molded!"_

"_I understand... That's too bad... But if... There's ever a time when you want to get out of that pitch black cage... Then... Don't hesitate to... Call me... Because you... Don't know how to do anything on your own! You're still just... A boy..." _

I remember how my hand tried to reach up to him, but it can't and it will never. It can only painted more red onto his flawless, porcelain skin.

Sometimes, I tried to picture him crying over me at that time. But, why would he bother? I was merely a test subject to him when I was able to wake up in Cassandra's body. It was all only for the future of medical science. But, you will never know...

... Well, whatever the reason might be, he still saved me and I'm grateful for that. He gave me another chance in life and a reason for that matter. I will fight for him, devoted my life entirely to him. It doesn't matter that this is the body of the man I despised, I will still accompany him to hell.

" _Will you accompany me to hell, Cassian?"_

" _What's with the sudden question?"_

" _Riff said he will do it if it was for Cain's sake."_

" _Well, don't link me to them."_

"_But, if you must..."_

" _I won't. What makes you think I will do it?"_

" _Oh, but you will."_

" _What? Why?"_

" _Because I was hoping so."_

XXX

This is it. The Tower of Babel. Or, what has remained from it.

Doesn't matter. It still gives me goosebumps whenever I look at it. It sends chills down my spine. It gives me a strange feeling like in the past. It sends me way back to that time.

"_... All right, I'll hire you as my guide for a good price... But in exchange you must lead me directly beneath hell's castle. So decide upon a sum that you won't regret."_

"_Cain!"_

"_How fortunate that you were able to see your son's face at the moment of your death!"_

"_Cardmaster!! At this rate we will all die as well.. What is happening!?"_

"_Riff! Riff!!"_

"_Doctor!! Please... Give me more time to protect Lord Cain... Your brother!! If there's a way... Even if it's just for an hour... I, Riff, exist only to serve Lord Cain!"_

"_Then... So be it..."_

_This is my last remaining blood... Use it wisely, Riffael._

It seems more like a dream, a faraway dream now.

Something that is important, something that is so shocking, something that has such a huge impact not just to myself, but to countless people whose life will never be the same again.

I can still remember it all clearly though, the underground passage, where I disguised myself to help his brother as I tried to find my way back to him, the Tower of Babel, the majestic tower made by blood and pure insanity, the starter and end of this kingdom's nightmares. I remember the explosions, they're almost everywhere, I remember the young count's anxiety, as we rushed to hell, I remember the gunshot, that wretched Tower fired at him, I remember the coldness of the cardmaster's back, as he left his oldest son to die.

_That's why I told you... It is useless to believe in him..._

But, I simply couldn't forget our last moment.

His head was resting against my thigh, he's in pain but his expression still looks calm somehow, my hands were trying to support him, trying to be as gentle as possible. He spoke a few words slowly, of how he can't betray the feelings he had for his father, and I tried to comfort him even though my face couldn't hide the hopelessness I felt deep inside.

It was all so perfect, how gentle and comforting the atmosphere felt when I'm around him, when we are both alone. Even when it was only seconds away to his death.

_This is my last remaining blood... Use it wisely, Riffael._

He cut his own throat. He cut his own throat to save Riff, to save his half brother, Cain. There was red everywhere and I couldn't hold back my surprise. I couldn't stop the bleeding, I mustn't stop the bleeding. It was his decision and I would dishonor it if I did that, I would make his death go to waste.

_In the end, it looks as though the only thing I can do here is to watch over you in your last moments... _

"_Go." _I told Riff, I couldn't stand the sight of him bathed in **his **blood.

"_I'll never forgive you if you waste even a drop of his blood." _My voice was starting to get shaky and there was something painful in my eyes, that I couldn't let others to see.

"_The selfish hopes he has harbored until the very end..." _My body trembled as I tried to stand up while carrying his body, his already dead body to the exit of this hellish nightmare.

"_Now I must return him to the natural surroundings that he loved so dearly and put him to rest..." _

_Yes, to rest. You will finally be able to be free from all of this dirty world's insanity and cruelty, Jizabel... _

That was what I thought at that time, as I felt those freshly vivid hot liquid pouring from my eyes after such a long time I couldn't remember when.

I couldn't helped it. The way he died, it was just too tragic. Deep down inside, he really did loves his half brother, the way he showed it, was by saving the most important thing his half brother ever hope to have, by saving the bond Cain had with his most important person who value his life more than anything else in the world and he paid it all with his own life while I just sat there, doing nothing.

He was really a gentle person after all once you get the chance to know him. But he hid it inside a mask his father has crafted so carefully for all those years.

And yet, when he finally decided to take it off, he was already dead, his body was cold, his beautiful skin has turned a sickly pale, his amethyst eyes will never open again and his heart has stopped beating. Only his face... his expression... it was serene and peaceful, almost smiling.

Which only made the tears I had flooding from my eyes even more painful. Was he happy? Happy that he can finally die? I know that he's happy because he can finally be free, but... Was it me who save him? Or was it death?

I don't know, but still, I'm happy when he's happy. That's all I ever think of. His happiness. That's why I took his body to the forest, far from all the pain and suffering, far from all the darkness and shadows. I could still felt the cursed tower crumbled to the ground from afar, which sent a wave of relief and freedom course through me.

_The source of evil has perished. London is finally free! We are all finally free!_

But I couldn't care less at that time, as I was busy praying my final goodbye to him.

_A simple good bye is not enough. He is too special of a someone. I just couldn't let him go..._

I dug up the ground and I did it quickly. I just couldn't take it anymore.

_He is right there! He is **dead**! But I couldn't bear it. He needs to be buried, to be put to rest! But I couldn't lose him. Not anymore... _

I lifted his body that I had place on the grass and hugged him tightly, like I would never let go. My tears had dried up.

_I wouldn't have the privileges to do this when you're alive. But now that I can, you have already leave this world, haven't you?_

I kissed the crown of his head, lovingly, and my grip on him tighten.

_I'm sorry, Jizabel. For everything._

And then, I buried him. My body felt strangely cold, my eyes hurt like hell.

_Don't worry, You will not be alone. I'll sent an angel to protect you while I'm not around. I promise I'll come to visit you as much as I can, okay?_

I turned around. I walked away from him, without looking back. My grasp on the shovel I carried tighten hard, almost breaking it.

I still couldn't figure out why I was able to hold my tears at that time, because I couldn't hold it at all when I reached the town. I cried really hard, like nothing I've done in all the years of my pathetic life. It was overwhelming, the pain, the agony, the sorrow of losing one person, only one person. And that's him.

Jizabel, Jizabel Disraeli.

Only one person and my heart felt like it was being torn in pieces...

_I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... Please forgive me..._

One.

_I'm sorry, Jizabel..._

XXX

I woke up with sweat on my brow and the feeling of dampness in my eyes.

It's like waking up from a dream, one of those dreams that one could tell was really remarkable, but never really remember all the content of it. Mine was the same, it was remarkable but also scary at the same time. So scary my body couldn't stop trembling. I've been having some of those for quite sometime now, in fact, almost every night ever since that incident. Ever since that person, he...

God! It's hot! It's unnaturally hot in this dark room of mine. Which explains how my shirt got drenched by my own sweat and I'm having trouble breathing. I should probably get up now, but my body feels like its being glued to the bed and I think I'm too lazy to deny my needs today...

Yes, I think I'm not going to wake up again, ever again. So that I can dream of that time, over and over, forever repeating itself again in my head, from the moment I first met him, all the way to the point of his departure. I can never get enough of it, it's like a drug. It's blissful but also torturous at the same time.

_Even after death he still finds ways to torture me. Come on, kid. Let this old man rests for a while, will you?_

I slowly get up, my senses are coming back to me. I couldn't sleep forever, I'll be damned, I still have work to do. I walk to the window on the other side of the room, my feet are swaying under me, but I ignored it. My only concern are how dizzy and lightheaded I felt today as I opened those wooden boards to let the light and noises to burst into my room.

Hm. Crowded as hell. No surprises there, considering I live in one of the main district in town, near the market, not to forget. But I'm not complaining, the alive atmosphere keeps me alive as well and when night comes, it's as silent as in the graveyard, so it suited me, at least it's better than the sewer or some shady places full of muggers and cut throats, or even the upper- classes area like the Hargreaves estate, I don't want to have anything to do with them any more, it was all in the past.

I stare down at the streets for a while and when the cool wind started to doze me off, a sudden nausea feeling attacked me and my reflexes quickly rushed my to the bathroom. I throw up and emptied my load down the drain, it was painful but also a relief. As soon as I'm done, I wash my face, it's then when I couldn't help but to notice the face I am facing in the mirror. It was his, Cassandra's, I mean.

_No matter how much I want to forget, I was just not allowed to, huh?_

I smiled bitterly. But that's not the sad part. The sad part is that I accidentally managed to get a glance at my left wrist and see the dirty, loose bandages there. I could almost see the reddish scar under it and that disturb me. That's why I angrily grab my coat and stormed down the wooden stairs so I can finally leave this house for the day.

I don't feel like going to work today, instead I believe I was unconscious as I walk through the rough cobble stones of the over crowded fleet street, a gloomy expression on my face as I passed through people who wouldn't even see me.

Once realization struck me, I was already standing in front of the London Bridge. Which was strangely empty and quiet, but it was probably just because the heavy fog that has came down when I was absentmindedly exploring the streets just minutes ago. People do scared to walk outside when fogs and clouds gather around London, when it's this dark, the shadows trigger people's recollection of how vile and malice London can be before the fall of the Tower, that's why they prefer to stay inside, in their safe haven, at least they can feel safe, even for just a little bit.

But I don't care, because, really, I used to be one of the terror that haunts this very street. So, I'm sure I can take care of myself, even as the mist obscures my sight and threatens to jeopardize me as I walk down the large bridge if I'm not careful enough.

As I reached the middle, I lift myself up and sit on the railing, I know it's dangerous but I've already done it hundreds of time. The view of the great river behind me was blocked by the mist and all I could see was white everywhere, except for the buildings on either side of the bridge, which are a bit blurry to my eyes.

"_Do you have a name?"_

"_It's Cassian."_

Great. Here we go again. Now I can still heard it even when I'm awake.

"_You should eat more!"_

"_Why?"_

Why couldn't you just leave me alone, Jizabel?

"_Well done. Now because of you, I've made a complete fool out of myself."_

"_What? Was that girl a little bit too cute for you, Cassian?"_

Then again, you couldn't be left alone, even for just one minute. You always needed me.

"_... You're wrong... It's... Not that I can't escape from my father! I... Don't want to escape!! I am in the palm of his hand... And imprisoned within an endless ring. No matter what he does to me... Every part of my body and soul belongs to him! That's the way I've been molded!"_

"_I understand... That's too bad... But if... There's ever a time when you want to get out of that pitch black cage... Then... Don't hesitate to... Call me... Because you... Don't know how to do anything on your own! You're still just... A boy..." _

And I too, doesn't have the heart to leave you alone in the darkness.

_I'm sorry, Jizabel..._

So, what is it you want me to do? There's nothing else I can do for you now. Except for living my life and forgetting you little by little. That's all, and I know you probably wanted that to, but Gods! It's bloody hard to do it! To forget about you, it's so goddamn impossible! I think I can never do it. You're the one that's making it that difficult. You've imprint and left such a strong presence in my mind that's making you so unforgettable. That's why, I can feel myself weakened every day and at that night...

I slid the sleeve of my left hand a little, uncovering the dirty bandages again and slowly, as if hesitant, unwrapped it, revealing the redden scar beneath.

It was only have been six months, and I have already crumbled. If it wasn't for my nosy neighbor, I would have been by your side already. Oh, I almost forgot yesterday, when I gulped down those abnormal dosed sleeping pills, which only left me throwing up in the morning. It has been not only hard to forget about you but also a pain when it comes to reaching you. Was it your doing?

If it was, then what's with the images? Why are you still showing me that? If you want me to give up and forget about you, then why making it hard? Why? Answer me, Jizabel!

… Is it my head? My own head that has been projecting those images of our time together over and over again? That's probably right. It's probably not your fault at all, but mine. I am a foolish person after all. I couldn't save you, I let you slipped through my fingers, even when I have already got a hold of you.

_I'm sorry, Jizabel..._

That's why, please consider this a salvation, if not redemption. I couldn't survive this weight of guilt, I couldn't bear to lose you. Because you're also so cruel, even when you don't realize it, you drove me mad, I am completely attached to you. If I didn't know any better I would say you have inherited one of your dearly beloved father's skills.

_That's why, I will end it all._

I spin myself around so I was facing the river now. My surroundings are completely silent, except for the faraway sound of a child singing one of those mother goose nursery rhymes.

"London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down..."

_Nice, kid._

I smiled and throw myself into the freezing water below me.

"_Do you have a name?"_

Even near the end, those images continue showing itself in my mind.

"_Don't be crazy, kid!"_

Perhaps what people say about how your life flashes through your eyes as you got closer to death itself was right.

"_Will you accompany me to hell, Cassian?"_

Perhaps my life was really started when I met him.

"_This is my last remaining blood... Use it wisely, Riffael..."_

Yes, that's right. My life has started and ended with him. It has ended with his death.

"_I'm sorry, Jizabel..."_

What is the reason to that? I've got only one thing to say.

_I love you..._

That I've fallen completely and utterly only for him.

~**fin~**

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**Author's note:**

BrideOFsataN: This is the longest and hardest fanfic I've ever written. There were many challenges and obstacles I've to overcome when writing this fic, starting from internet problems, writer's block, computer's error to nervous breakdown. I've promised someone I'll write a fic about Godchild and I've been able to finished this fic by holding onto it. But I still enjoyed writing this fic, I love Godchild and its characters, especially Jizabel and Cassian. I hope this fic can somehow explain their relationship from my point of view, that's why those lines that seem to be familiar up there were really from the manga, I kinda copy it to match the actual scenes, if there's been some mistakes, then I've copied it from the manga scan.

Oh if any one of you readers wonder why this fic is so long, you should blame Cassian, he's the main chara and those words up there were all his thoughts.

Cassian: ...Why do you hate me so much?

BoF: No, I'm not. Instead I think you're sort of cute in some way. But if there's anyone I can blame beside of Jizabel, I will do it.

Cassian: ...Just give me back my Jizabel.

BoF: Believe me, I've been praying for that myself every night. Anyway, I know it's late but Merry Xmas & Happy New Year 2010 guys!!

BGM: Hear Me Cry(English Ver.) by Utada Hikaru & Heavenly white by EXILE (try to hear them at the few last parts of this fic)


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